Thank you for joining me for this mini-series in honor of National Pregnancy Loss and Miscarriage Month. I hope you enjoy it and I hope it encourages your heart.
Shocked, could be the word to describe this unexplainable loss. In a matter of one minute, I went from having two babies to have none.
Why did I need to think this over? What was there to think about? I just wanted it all to go away. The hurt, The overwhelmed feelings, the confusion, the… I didn’t know what.
I wanted to remedy the situation immediately but because of a previous emergency C-section to resolve this immediately would put my life at risk because of the stage of pregnancy I was in.
One week. I had to wait. For the right doctors to be available. One week.
There I was, sitting curled up on my bed with no answers. They tried. They were twins and they are fragile. But those answers didn’t satisfy me.
I had wanted certain answers. How did they miss this? Why, with all the modern technology, did they miss this? Why? Why? Why?
I felt so many things. I felt outside my body watching the whole thing happen to this person I thought I recognized. I was certain that everyone around could sense my pain and they were all looking at me. With no words just empty stares.
The pain and the hurt, as if my heart was torn into a million pieces. I had suddenly grown a heart for not one more but two.
Would I ever get to see their faces? Hold their tiny little hands? Count their bitty toes? Kiss their little bellies?
Prayers of desperation. Prayers of dedication. Prayers of cooperation.
I had them all.
At this time in my life, I had created some distance between God and myself. Sure I could play the “good Christian Girl” but I was busy. Busy with life. Busy with my control. Busy being who I thought I was. Just busy.
Through all the tears, I decided to curl into my Bible. Certainly, God would have a word for me.
Then I came across this verse.
Philippians 4:6-7 Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.
Prayer, I could do, but can’t we all when things get tough? Finally reaching out to the God I had pushed far from my heart.
Sure, I could serve on Sundays and Wednesdays and to be honest give good lip service. My real life, my real heart, they were mine and I was okay with that.
With Thanksgiving. How would I be thankful for this? I didn’t even understand it.
Make my requests known to God. I certainly could do that. Make their little hearts beat again. Make the ultrasound wrong. I have faith, well, all I needed was a tiny mustard seed, right?
Peace. That is what I wanted. No, really I wanted my babies. I wanted to hold them and watch them get big and crawl and walk. I wanted to take them to school and love them.
Promises I made. Promises. I negotiated with God to be the best mom if only I had the chance.
God had different intentions for me and my life. Just as He does for all of us.
It is called surrender.
My life had become my own.
I am in no way suggesting that God was punishing me. Although the thoughts crossed my mind. I had a rocky past, I had a selfish present, and I certainly couldn’t make any promises that I would be better than this in the future.
God, in His perfect love, is a God of perfecting love.
What I am suggesting is God knows what will bring us to our knees. It is not the same for everyone.
But for me, it was this.
One Week. The time I had to think this over. The amount of time God needed to bring peace to my heart and surrender to my life. His Timing is always perfect.
For the first time in my life, I surrendered, not only myself but my babies.
Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid. John 14:27
Please come back next week to read “My Garden Prayer”. The prayer that helped me be lead to Peace and eventually Praise God in all His Sovereignty.
Then I hope you return the final week of October, I will offer the hope and peace from the only source I know it truly comes from - from My Lord and Savior – Jesus Christ.
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This week's featured friend is Elizabeth from Just Following Jesus. Elizabeth has a fantastic site. She offers encouragement through her daily walk with Christ. She has recipes for your soul and has regular posts of gratitude for her life. A list that is really fun to read. Thanks for stopping by every week, Elizabeth. I am glad you are here.
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Labels: godly surrender, John 14:27, Philippians 4:6-7, pregnancy loss, Sitting Among Friends
